Apple's New DRM
I see that Apple's having an "event" on March 8. Please allow me to speculate for a moment: Apple will introduce a new form of their DRM where someone can watch a movie but won't be able to remember it.
Those memories are seen as "unauthorized copies." Their research will have shown that people able to remember a movie are less likely to pay to watch it again. And thus, these "unauthorized copies" in the form of the human memory is reducing the amount of money that can be pulled in.
"You should submit this story to The Onion!"
They have more reliable stories than mainstream media these days.
>"Apple will introduce a new form of their DRM where someone can watch a movie but won't be able to remember it."
You're not taking it far enough. What they will do is charge you $39.99 per month for Apple to remember the movies you've watched for you. Attempting to remember your own movie watching experience without the Apple movie-remembering-device will be considered illegally unlocking of the device, and will result in your arrest and jail time. And of course, for your movie-remembering-device to work at all (when it does work), you will need an iTunes account attached to an iPhone or a Mac alongside the device. And if you ever try to leave the Apple plantation, and use a Windows or GNU/Linux or Android device for instance, all your movie-memories will be permanently destroyed.
Also, your movie-remembering-device will have its own appstore, and will interrupt your movie-memories with in-memory advertisements, so that your memory of The Titanic or Lion King can be interrupted by an ad for the Candy Crush game, or for apps that help you meet random strangers of all genders for instantaneous and unprotected sex encounters.
There's probably more that I'm not thinking about, but a person only has so much time. Probably the Apple Genius Bar geniuses are somehow involved in this, and any attempts to repair your own Apple movie-remembering-device will instantly void the warranty, and probably lead to your arrest and imprisonment.
I see the event is called "peak performance."
Peak Performance would entail not wasting computer calculations in order to let someone police a your own computer. Even if Apple's computers were faster than everyone's, it will still not be "peak performance" as they could always perform better without that waste.
Performance must be meant in another way, maybe on raising their market cap.
Oh someone missing the point and trying to throw the cold water of reality on this. Yes, I knew of the name. And, if rumors are to be believed, there is probably new hardware coming. But none of that matters because that piece wasn't intended to be about any of that but the start of a piece of satire to criticize Apple. I appreciate that libredrs and andyprough seemed to get it.